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How I need You.

He said “Pour out your lives…” He said, “Offer yourselves as living sacrifices…”  He said, “Do not grow weary in doing good…”  He said, “I am sovereign.”  He said,   “GO, LOVE, because I first loved you…”

Do you ever start a day wondering what it will possibly hold…how it could possibly be redeemed?

Three days this week, we woke up hard…not to the gentle sound of an alarm, or a hungry cry of our baby girl, but a phone call.  Once at 3 am, once at 4am, and once at 6am…all of them, urgent.  I knew each time.  I knew that my husband was going to run across this big green field—where my kids play and run, carefree and happy.  He would run across this grass, into the hospital and watch another baby die.  I lay there, alone, and pray…wonder, try to gain perspective.  He had to say goodbye to seven little souls in this past week.

How does he do what he does?  How does he watch?  How does he grieve?  How do we keep waking up to new mercies and joy when the reality is daily life and death?  How do we grieve when we know such a different reality?  How do we teach our kids how to do this thing?  This call to surrender, this call to serve, this call to love and bring healing…how do we do this in grace?  I often wonder how we live well, how we live this out transparently, before our children, before our friends and family at home…before those who read our lives.

I’m at home…loving these little hearts…teaching, cooking, holding a precious baby…praying.  I’m hosting and trying to see. Trying to see what He has for me each day.  I don’t want to miss it.  And He redeems all these moments.  After the last little abandoned baby went home to Jesus this week, Maija said simply, “Now she’s in His glory.”  It doesn’t feel that simple, but maybe in all His wisdom, it really is.

We are seeing more and more, the purpose of life…to lean on Him, hard.  To run to Him, when we don’t understand, when we grieve, when we delight in miracles, when we feel so lost we can’t see straight.  When we fall so hard into our own selfishness and sin–The purpose in all of this—is that He is made beautiful—that He is lifted high…

And this song plays on in my home…

“He is my one Defense, my Righteousness..Oh, God, how I need you.


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